CommissionerStraightJacket
Friday, May 28, 2004
5/27/04
Sorry that last post was so short and disjointed. I only got to type a coupla lines before the 'phones went crazy. The sad fact is that when London Fog asked me how I felt about hauling the old Roper gas stove to her 'house' in the country I kind lost it a little bit. This was one of those rare times when the stress up in here (what with having literally spent four days cleaning out the sewer and all) got to me.
That old Roper is a very sore point with me. You see for several years we had a 'person' living here who is almost seven feet tall and psychotic as anything. This person is a commie who belonged to the Wanker's World Party and somebody I absolutely hated having to live with. This person literally at one point pulled a huge butcher knife on me, only afterwards admitted to being on ssi for being a psycho, and still London Fog could not be persuaded to throw the person out of here over a little thing like literally attempting to murder me.
Up until that point I didn't know how far gone this 'person' was or how much
s/he hated me. Let's call this person King Viet Kong. KVK had some commie propaganda for anything and everything and until I knew how psycho they were I used to satarise
the BS they would spread. Some typical behaviours of this gargantuan creature were
(1)to walk uninvited into our bedroom while we were snuggling and ask what we were doing.
One memorable day this happened and I gave the short truthful answer that we were listening to be Beatles. This outraged KVK because as it turns out KVK believed that
s/he had written all of the Beatles songs and they ripped KVK off. On another memorable occasion KVK had some commmie illogic that "proved" that I must be a hard core racist of some kind because I like Ray Charles. Apparently this was because Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder had once played Sun City in South Africa (and even though this was at an
ANTI apartheid thing there was some commie reason why it was all wrong). I tried to end the tirade by wisecracking that obviously Ray and Stevie didn't know where they were.
(2)this is somebody who took a box that I had filled with my collection of antique hats and jammed it into a closet and then piled very heavy boxes on top of it thus crushing all my hats, who broke the antenna off of a brand new radio that London Fog gave me as a gift before I ever even got to use it. London Fog gave me the radio, I left it in my office as London Fog and I went out together to run a coupla errands, I came back and there is King Viet Kong in the bathtub WITH my new radio, with the antenna broken off.
It took London Fog and I years to figure out that the reason I can't find of my cd's that I kept in my office to listen to when I was working is because King Viet Kong would come into the office, take my radio/cd player and just take whatever cd I had in there and throw it out with the trash before listening to whatever KVK wanted to listen to. Then I'd take my radio back from wherever KVK had taken it, go to listen to the cd that was supposed to be in there only to here some hellish 'modern classical' crap or some recorded communist diatribe instead.
I guess the point is that day after day I had to deal with this big pshycho who had literally tried to kill me once deliberately destroying my belongings (to get even with the ruling class which for some reason DVK decided that I epitomised), stealing from me, trying to burn our house down (once when London Fog and I were our of town for a weekend KVK managed to get a fire going by running the dryer without cleaning out the lint trap until the lint caught fire, and another time haed the furnace running with no water in the boiler). This is somebody who hated me and had some psychotic idea that s/he was fighting a Gorilla war (no that's not a misspelling I know a gorilla when one runs amok in my house) against the Great Evil Oppressor (me) by destroying anything in the place I cared about. For example on the first day in the house this person took it upon itself to thow out my collection of Warner Brothers Cartoon jelly glasses that I had collected over a period of years, don't get me started on my hat collection, my records (all of my music especially the classic jazz, funk, and Soul records were 'counter revolutionary' and therefor proof of inherent racism), my books
(especially the stuff I had around here by 'counterevolutionary' writers that only a racist would read---you know people like Alice Walker, James Baldwin, Martin Luther King)
etc. So naturally as soon as I wasn't around to guard my belongings all of this 'counter revolutionary' stuff had to be destroyed).
Anyway THE expample was this beautiful old Roper gas stove from World War II.
I love certain antique things because I was raised as much or more by my grandparents and my great grandmother as by my parents and I love things that are like the the things they had because I find comfort in nostalgia and links with the past. Since it came to the pscyhotic attention of King Viet Kong that I loved the antique gas stove that came with the house and since everybody who has read the Wanker's World policy statement on kitchen appliances knows that antique gas stoves are counter revolutionay tools of the
Great Evil Capitalist Oppressor over a period of time King Viet Kong managed to destroy
several of the chrome pieces from the stove, to lose one of the knobs that turns a burner on and ultimately when even London Fog decided that this pscho was too crazy to live with (ten years after I had reached the same conclusion having been chased through the house by the almost eight foot tall communist crackpot with a huge knife in it's paw)
the last thing King Viet Kong did before vacating the prejudices was to rip the door off of the stove.
The horror story of the parade of dangerous lunatics who have been in and out of these hallowed halls will be continued.
A big shout out to my peeps.
Commissioner Straight Jacket
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Wednesday, May 26, 2004
5/27/04
So far this has been a lousy morning. You see there are two antique stoves in front of our house. One is a Roper from the WWII era and the other is from the 1950's.
London Fog owns a "house" actually it's two stories but only one room has four walls.
Tuesday, May 25, 2004
5/25/04
Commissioner Coat was up in cheer yesterday with some cute little baby pictures
of the cute little baby boy she's about to have.
One thing I wonder about is that I read on her blog that she's worried about relating to a boy...which I can certainly dig especially as I had one who I raised from ages 0-5. I know that I have a lot to offer a boy as in that I still like cool stuff.
I look foreward to turning a kid on to some of the simple joys such as old Looney Tunes
(Bugs, Bunny, Daffy, Duck etc) having a kid to teach to read by reading the funny papers to him which was how my own grandfather taught me to read long before I started kindergarten. I literally taught myself to read just so I could read BATMAN in the funny papers. I half jokingly asked London Fog if Commissioner Coat would let me teach him out to build a low rider (start with building models and then move on to the real thing). Anyway I'm just feeling that it's totally cool that MY baby is about to be a granny.
Also for those following the TransyHouse sewer reports, after running a mechanical snake through it five days in a row and dumping a coupla tons of sewer cleaning fluid down it things are finally moving along.
Last night London Fog and I went to a meeting of the neighbourhood busybodies or whatever they call themselves---in other words the local homeowners who are all up in arms concerned about what all of the construction going on up in here is going to do to the neighbourhood and to their property values. A lot of their concern is about parking and the dearth of parking spaces---there's also a lotta talk about the 'character of the neighbourhood." When we moved here in the mid 1990's this neighbourhood was a little piece of ghetto. There was even the occasional shoot out at the OK coral on this street. Then the guppies started to move in. There's a dike couple next door to us on one side with an HRC sticker on the bumper of their yuppiemobile and some yuppies who dirver next year's Mercedes Benz moved into the other half of our double house to the relieve of everybody as it's really nice not having gangbangers up in there anymore.
This whole thing started with this gay preacher down the street and his partner who waylay me every time I go the store for my morning paper and a pack of smokes to tell me the latest developments in the neighbourhood.
Saturday, May 22, 2004
5/22/04
It's 8:21 on a Saturday morning and London Fog is still sleeping soundly. This is highly unusual as her idea of 'sleeping in' is to get up at 6 rather than 5. The poor dear must be exhausted. I know I am.
Yesterday we rented the big power snake and ran it through the sewer lines in both directions. Then when I pulled the plug on the bathtub upstairs, it drained, the toilets flushed and all seemed right with the world. Then London Fog and I celebrated by taking a nice romantic bath together. We watched a movie on the telly and then we went downstairs for a snack and noticed that the @#$%*&g thing is still backing up!
So I am writing this at dawn. We are gearing up for the final battle betwen human and sewer pipe. I will not accept defeat.
Commmissioner Strait Jacket
Friday, May 21, 2004
5/21/2004
Another beautiful day in the neighbourhood. I woke up this morning when London Fog threw a bathrobe in my face and told me that Private LicensePlateMaker's parole officer was here. Luckily it was just a routing surprise visit and nothing worse as she found everything in order.
If the late Robert A. Heinlein's assertion that you can judge the quality of a civilisation by the quality of it's plumbing, then TransyHouse has reverted to savagry. As I write London Fog is on her way to rent a big snake to try to unclog the sewer that RotoRooter had two goes at over the last two days and failed to unclog. I'm afraid it will be like Eddie Murphy as Thurgood Stubbs in the PJ'S where a monstor springs up out of the sewer pipes at us.
If we can't get the job done with the snake, the next move is to tear up the floor and disinter the sewer pipe ourselves. Then we'll think about replacing it if that seems like the thing to do. Last year I helped Mother Superior and her congregation dig a ditch and lay a sewer pipe (I don't think that came out right) up at their place so I have confidence that I know what I'm doing. I always wanted to know what a day in the life of Ed Norton would be like.
"Life is like a sewer. You only get out of it what you put into it."
Thursday, May 20, 2004
5/20/2004
Today is a typical TransyHouse day. I woke up and filled the bathtub. I went downstairs for some coffee and found the laundry room filling up with raw sewage so I started bailing. Our newest member who we'll call Kimono Ono started bailing with me. Unfortunately she's on the same medications that they use to calm Godzilla down so it took extensive lecturing to teach her the fine art of using a sponge mop. Finally London Fog came down and discovered that the reason water was coming down faster than we could bail it was because the toilet upstairs was running like Jesse Owens.
Curently London Fog is on the blower with the Mother Superior of the Catskills and it seems like our next move will be to dig up the floor. Luckily the floors up in here are boards laid accross bare soil. We're also talking about whether it would be better to replace the sewer pipe (popular favourite) or just have it relined. More later.
Commissioner Strait Jacket
Wednesday, May 19, 2004
5/19/04
Last night we had Rv. Brasshat from the methodist church over for dinner.
This was primarily my doing as for some really strange reason I really like her a lot
in spite of the fact that I actually understand about half of what she says and agree with about half of that. I think it's because at one point in my life my best friend in the whole world was the first woman methodist minister to come to the small town I grew up in. Between her being a woman, her having adopted a couple of African American children, and her being at the time your basic semi-hippie folksinger type both the congregation and the town gave her an extremely hard time. She looked and sounded like Julie Andrews in the Sound of Music and I really loved being around her.
Anyway Liz is being transferred to another church after seven years as is traditional in the musical ministers custom of the methodists. I never understood the reason for the methodist custom of transferring their preachers from church to church every few years until I saw what happened in a rare case where they didn't at the insistance of the congregation that Liz took over which because a sort of Stalinist cult led by a raving psychopath who accrued a few glassy eyed followers that by the end had become a sort of geriatric Manson family with less physical violence but in their own
way just as scary. That's a long story readily available in a published short story I wrote called "I Married a Methodist: A Cold War Horror Story" I understand that the most hard core of these dementoids one of whom unfortunately is Capt. Jacket's 'godmother' who we'll call Queen Compost. Queen Compost I know hates Liz because she's a player hater who kinda wanted to be a minister but didn't have the right stuff and so found herself shoveling literal compost rather than the figurative kind from a pulpit.
In any case last night's visit was primarily a simple social engagement. Liz had a chance to see how the homeless trans woman she sent to live with us (who we'll call
Yoko Kimono) is doing and to be assured that she's being treated in accord with the Geneva convention etc. and for us just to show her some love as she DID get a statement to the effect that PEOPLE OF ALL GENDERS ARE WELCOME at the church after her psychotic predecessor tried to drive us out with a variety of traditional christian methods such as obscene phone calls, violent threats, extortion, etc. I'm still pretty hated because the local Gay and Lesbian Democratic club had given him an award and after I reported his behaviour they took it back. This creep in a collar is unfortuntately still kinda close with Capt. Jacket and with the man that was shacked up with London Fog's ex-wife for a while (a relationship that somehow being heterosexual rates as more legitimate than mine with London Fog event though ours has outlasted theirs by double the time and grows stronger and better with every day).
However, London Fog did ask Liz about the methodist national conference in Pittsburgh at which the methodist church decided to continue to harass and persecute gay folks, to fire any minister that performs a same sex marriage, to bar gay folks from being ministers and to generally condemn us. They'd probably relegate us to hell but the methodist church has never really come to a formal agreement as to whether or not there is such a place to which to consign us. Liz still says that she's not ready to agree to having the methodist church split over this issue and assured us that they did manage to save some kinda liberal schmiberal social activist crap that they care about from the fundamentalists who keep trying to take over the church so it was a victory of sorts even though prejudice and discrimination towards our people remain the order of the day. I'm frankly proud that I managed to keep a smiling, soft spoken demenaner through this bilge.
I did point out the obvious that Lesbian and Gay people are fleeing the methodist church at an incredible rate and will continue to do so. Liberals in general are leaving the methodist church in droves which means that it's only a matter of time until the right wingers take over completely anyway as the old liberal die off and nobody replaces them. The problem of course is that everybody whether one agrees with it or not understands the fundamentalist christian message. The liberal christian message always sounds like vague gibberish (Mumbo Jumbo as London Fog calls it).
As for me, if to be a Christian means to try one's best to follow the teachings and example of Jesus then Transy House as an attempt to live communally and to help the most needy of our community is very much a Christian enterprise. Quite frankly I see the church as an excellent breeding ground for singers and musicians but fail to see any value in the white middle class religious experience EXCEPT in that it allows scared hicks who move to the big city a place to preserve a culture of small town pettiness in the big bad city.
Meanwhile on the topic of religion, in spite of us having shelled out a LOT of money to Roto Rooter the sewers are still all backing up in here. Not good.
MOre Later,
Commissioner Straight Jacket
Monday, May 17, 2004
5/19/04
Really good day yesterday. We went through the 5th Ave. Street Fair with Sgt. Sweater. I picked up an old Moms Mably Album--really funny stuff. Prepared our living room for a herd of moose who never showed.
Saturday, May 15, 2004
5/15
I can dig how anybody reading this blog--if anybody does--would think that it's all about how difficult things are with London Fog and her sartorial offspring, but last night both Commissioner Coat and Sgt. Sweater were here. Commissioner Coat came to do her laundry (a dozen loads or so) and Sgt. Sweater joined them for dinner and it was really nice. Private Licence Plate maker and her sidekick Doubleknit cooked up a big
dinner with mashed potatoes, corn muffins, biscuits, two kinds of salad and pork shoulder (which I didn't have since I'm a vegetarian and in the words of Sam L. Jackson "I don't eat no port--a pig's a filthy animal. I don't care how charming he is he'd have to be a lot more charming than that Arnold they got on Green Acres before I'd eat the filthy mother*****r"
THE ONLY POINT TO THIS ENTRY IS DAMN IT'S NICE HAVING LONDON FOG'S DAUGHTERS UP IN HERE ONCE IN A WHILE. I DON'T NEED TO BE ALL UP IN THEIR FACES OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT BUT I JUST DIG THEM AS PEOPLE AND SINCE MY WIFE LOVES THEM AND THEY ARE HER KIDS THEN DOGGONE IT THAT MEANS I LOVE THEM TOO.
I also dig that since this house has traditionally been a sort of shelter for
homeless trans people and that this has resulted in having all kinds of people with all kinds of people up in here there have been times when I haven't exactly been proud to live up in here myslelf---but to be perfectly up front, it's a value to me to have
this place be a place that helps people that need help but it's just as important to me to have enough order up in here that I don't have to be ashamed of my house or the peeps living in it.
More later.
Commissioner Straight Jacket
Friday, May 14, 2004
London Fog and I has our first meeting with our 'marriage counselor'
last night. We agree that she's nice and makes us both feel better about things. London Fog is out with Commissioner Coat this morning.
One of the residents of TransHouse who we'll call PrivateLicencePlateMaker cooked a very big breakfast this morning with eggs, waffles, biscuits, etc.
It's probably nobody's fault but it's a bummer that London Fog can never seem to be here on the occasions when somebody tries to get the whole house together for a meal or something to try to re-inforce a sense of family loyalty. Sometimes I feel like the only family I've got is here and London Fog has an actual biological family so the whole concept of a deliberately created family may have a different priority.
Wednesday, May 05, 2004
May 5, 2004
London Fog went to see Commissioner Coat last night. Commissioner Coat is going to Germany for a while. She wanted London Fog's advice on where to stay etc.
London Fog suggested that she should talk to a friend of ours who is staying with us for a while, a young woman who is the same age as Commissioner Coat and who just came back from studying in Germany.
This idea was rejected. All attempts to interpret this as anything but a belief on the part of Commissioner Coat that she believes herself to be too good to associate with me or any of our friends as we're not good enough to associate with her have failed and this really hurts my feelilngs.
On another tip, tonight is my first therapy session in hopes of overcoming the fear of travelling by plane and having to deal with all the airport security stuff and I have a job interview after that.
More later.
Commissioner Straight Jacket
